Distance and Space

    There is a difference between space and wanting to be single. A person who needs space will ask for space and keep the connection alive. A person who wants to be single will ask their partner for space but then give their energy freely to others who are not their partner. If your partner feels insecure you are not supposed to compound that by making them feel more insecure. You’re supposed to assure them and give them validation. Asking for space and keeping other exciting connections alive is a problem. You can not have your cake and eat it too. Do not ask for someone to be faithful and honest when you are not being faithful and honest. You can’t expect your partner to sacrifice their happiness and be away from you while you hang out with others. If you run from the person you so-called love and expect them to keep chasing you then do not be upset when they grow self-confidence and stop chasing you. The moral of the story is if you are not ready to give in a relationship then do not get into a relationship. Stay single and heal instead of making someone else feel inadequate and unworthy of your affection. 

Signed formerly stupid.

What Have You Done!

    You did not know who you were messing with, and that has caused you to make many mistakes. You thought you had the power and were smarter and more cunning. You tried to hide that your emotions and feelings were not 100% invested. Now that you’re starting to figure out that I know the truth about you, you’re trying to run and hide. Use your anger like you have always done in the past. Be aggressive and lash out. Do the things that you do. You’re so predictable. I have played this game before. I have done these things before. You did not think I knew. But I did. Now that you know that I know and this will affect our future are you happy now? Do you enjoy what you have done? I know you were not faithful. I know you were lying to me. I know that you used me. I let it all happen. I wanted you to learn what was going on. I wanted you to think that you got away with it. That you could do whatever you wanted and I would never notice. However, you were messing around with the wrong one. I am a divine chosen one. I saw you coming before you ever met me. I predicted all of this and now it’s your time to learn what it feels like to truly lose. You gravely miscalculated. Now you suffer from the choices you made. That’s on you. That was your fault. Own it and perhaps learn your lesson and maybe Karma may forgive you. You will have no peace, however. You have hurt a literal angel and now all of heaven is against you. Good luck trying to fight against it. Your best bet would be to let it go and heal. This is your reckoning, I am your undoing. I wish you were honest from the start.

Testing the boundaries of human limitations! (A question not answered here)

It could be said that the human mind and body can only go so far before they reach their limits. The idea that we could somehow surpass our limitations is a misnomer. First, we would have to define what a limitation is compared to the human body and what it is capable of. A limitation can simply be defined as any obstacle that the human body could not overcome without outside help and or intervention. For example, when getting a cold, the human body has it’s internal defense mechanisms that can attack and kill the virus. However, the symptoms that transpire during the cold can not be subverted without medications that help nullify their effects. A headache can go away in time however there is no immediate way for the body to simply overcome the effects of a headache instantaneously. In this example, the limitation outlined would be the body's ability to instantly nullify the effects of the symptoms without taking some form of medication or using some form of external manipulation to control the perception of symptoms. This would be an example of a limitation. The question that can now be posed is “Could the body adapt or be trained to overcome what are its perceived limitations?”. Let's explore these ideas and adding some conjecture ultimately assume as to whether it is truly possible to break one's limitation.

Let's take a look at an example of this in popular media. In the anime community, there is a character named Saitama. The character is also known by the title of “One Punch Man” which implies that Saitama can eliminate any foe or adversary with a single punch. In the anime no matter how impossible the odds Saitama has shown time and again to be able to push past the limitations of what a normal human should be capable of. Saitama has simply broken past all his limitations by simply exercising in a certain manner for a certain amount of time. Due to his extensive albeit simple training regimen, Saitama was able to surpass what his body should be capable of doing. He has been shown to have incredible and unmatched strength. His durability feats are of which something indestructible could handle. The speed which he has displayed is comprehensible to most other characters in the fictional world. All of his feats were simply attained by doing, 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and 100 squats, followed by a 10km run, all done daily. The high repetitions allowed for increased physical output with the 10km run allowing for endurance training. When Saitama reveals this training regiment as the reason for his immense strength the other characters are taken aback by how simple it is to perform. 

Saitama as a character is considered to be a gag character, however, the idea of a human being able to break past their limitations is not something new in history. Throughout history, many folk tales have described humans who have exceeded what was thought to be possible. Fables of old tell stories of heroes who somehow did the impossible and broke past their human limitations. Often are revered as great demigods or possessing abilities that do not seem human to other individuals. These tales have helped inspire and guide mankind to believe that the impossible is indeed possible. Characters like Saitama give way to the idea that simply doing anything in repetition or with great practice comes great power and abilities. If this were true however then why don’t we see heroes anymore? Why are there no longer tales of humans doing something extraordinary to exceed what could be possible? Is it possible at all to go past what our limitations are designed to do? These are questions that I seek to answer by attempting to delve deeper into the human body and mind. By putting myself through these practices would I too be able to do the unconventional and exceed my expectations? 

The human body is incredible in every aspect. Countless billions of cells are all working together to create a form that not only has moved through physical space but has also overtaken its environment. Think of how many other things in nature can manipulate their physical surrounding on the scale that humans have. There are nearly no others that can do what we have done. In roughly 300 thousand years we have created skyscrapers planes and cars. We have traveled great distances even reaching the stars. We did all these things with a physical body that is so frail it could be destroyed by simply everything around us. Nearly everything in this environment can kill us. Yet somehow we have done things that make us seem nearly indestructible. How is it that a sack of bones and water has been able to do all these things without ever breaking our physical limitations? We still get colds, we still break bones, and we still fall. The fact that most of us have made it past birth is a miracle in and of itself. While the human body is capable of some great things is it ever truly possible to go beyond what seems to be a limit?

For most of my life from young child to adult I have partaken in many forms of martial arts. Several of them have varying tenets that dictate training and repetition to hone the body into a weapon. Many martial arts and their practitioners believe themselves to be somehow capable of doing things that no others can do. This is especially common amongst the beginner to intermediate range. Generally speaking, most martial arts practitioners believe that they can break bones with a single strike, that they can take on 10 men in a single fight, and even that they are fast enough to dodge knives and bullets. Of course, these are some gross exaggerations however not uncommon at all. I am guilty of thinking I could run straight up a 20-foot wall or hear a trigger being pulled and move faster than a projectile even when I don’t see it coming. I thought that I could run faster and longer than the average human. That I could jump further. That I was capable of finding a fault or weakness in practically anything even if I never met or saw it before. This false sense of bravado has led me through life with a false sense of superiority and an almost god-like complex at times. However, as I get older I am realizing more and more how foolish and naive I truly was all these years. At no point did I think that I would grow to be this old. But here I am questioning the limitations of the human body.

The human body in actuality has a breaking point between 4,000 newtons or less. That's considering simply looking at breaking a bone. Some bones need less pressure and some need more. Add additional variables like angle, movement, tissue and fat, water density, muscular development, age, gender, and other factors you can get varied results. Simply there are a lot of calculations that go into how the body can broken down or destroyed. If you're only looking at it from an external physical stimulus, there a varying degrees of ways that the body can be dismantled and defeated. To contrast however when we look at internal variables and factors we get an even wider array of results. Too much salt, fat, sugar, and even water can directly or indirectly take down the human body. Since the body is comprised of multiple cells and organisms working in symbiosis to create what we are it's difficult to surmise that it's possible to somehow take hold of those organisms and bend them to fit our needs. Is there truly possibly a way to influence subatomic and or microscopic organisms to say, increase one's strength, or supply the brain with more oxygen to process synapsis faster? The question stands could it be possible to take hold of the body by way of the conscious mind to control external and internal outcomes? 

What is consciousness? What makes a mind a mind? How is it that we have come to believe we are somehow a part of but also not a part of something that doesn’t know we technically exist? What is it that makes us feel as though we are more than a bunch of chemical interactions that keep happening to create what we call life? Is living nothing more than a bundle of chemical reactions? And at what point did these chemicals say this is me and I am living? Each day we do things that we don’t even realize we are doing. We blink, breathe, destroy and repair cells, and move parts of the body that we don’t even know we are moving. At what point are we in control or are our chemical reactions in control of us? Are we merely the by-product of a colony of cells and matter that walks and talks and thinks something of itself? What are we really and why do we matter?

One of the hardest concepts to go over mentally is the realization that we are simply a bundle of cells and nothing more. When we realize that we are nothing but cells walking around acting a person it's a bit disturbing. Surely this is a massive reduction of all that truly creates what we. Dismissing some scientific and religious descriptions of what we truly are and what we are meant to do, the question still gnaws at us all on some level. Are we more than this or is this simply all we are? A limitation that can be overcome is not a limitation at all. A limitation implies a finite point unto which one could go no further. The idea that we could push past a limitation is something that most of us would not think of. However, some of us still probe around with the idea that we could indeed break past our limitations and do more than would seem possible at first glance. Some of us still peek beyond the veil and try to see if their more to all of this than what we were either told or led to believe. Our curiosity is insatiable beyond a shadow of a doubt. We choose to not accept the simple answers and question why the answers exist at all. So again the question remains is it possible to push past a limit? I do not know this answer however I intend to find out.

As I grow older and closer to my mortality I question a great many things. Ideas and thoughts that most others have either simply accepted or forgotten. Some fear the answers and some fear to ask the questions at all. They fumble through life with the simplicity of ignorance assuming such things could either never be known or that if we ever found out it would change our perception of reality. Yet still many like myself do not accept these tired old definitions. We want something more, we need to feel fulfilled and our hunger for knowledge beyond knowledge is never satisfied. The idea that some are afraid to even ask the question is astounding. Why can't I fly? Why can't I move faster than light? Why can't I lift a car over my head? Surely these things sound like that of an immature child who watched too much TV and believed that heroes truly do exist. That comic books are somehow based on true events and that the extraordinary do exist. The way I have always assumed it to be was that if the questions exist so too did the answer. Meaning there are no questions that can be asked that can't be answered. Surely some would think the answer could be a no or it is not possible. But that doesn’t always make the most sense. There has to be more or else why would almost all of humanity dream of more? 

Historically society is riddled with ideas of humankind doing things that are not common. A man lifts a helicopter to save a pilot pinned underneath. A person survives in the desert without food and or water and has to cut their arm off to survive. A person falls from a height that would normally be fatal and walks away with so little as a scratch. A person survives underwater without oxygen for far longer than recorded previously. History both current and past is littered with true accounts of superhuman feats. Humans are capable of surviving amazing odds. Events that would seem almost fictional. Some stories are not so indifferent as comic books or anime. A character like Saitama also known as the one-punch man, surely has to be based on something right? It's not merely that we created a story of something that could not exist, or at least that's what I like to tell myself. If any or all of these things could be possible does that mean we could somehow tap into this imagination and create a reality where characters like Saitama could be possible? Can we break our limiter?

Throughout my studies in my early 20s, I have come across an idea that I found to be most profound. While studying psychology, physics, mathematics, and quantum mechanics, I started to find a strange connection between the human mind and the physical world. What I have noticed is that there have been multiple events of scientists and or laymen who have proposed an idea and eventually that idea became a reality. Examples of this are looking for a particular that was responsible for gravity. At the time no such particle existed and then after years of searching it was found that the graviton exist. Another would be where theorists believed that matter that was not physical light could exist and eventually dark matter was birthed. At another point, it was surmised that all matter could be made up of vibrating strings and thus string theory was proposed and then validated. Or, where two men believed it was possible to create a contraption that could take flight, and thus flying was achieved. In track and field, there was a concept of a sub-4-minute mile. When the first person to achieve a sub 4 minute mile was achieved it seemed like more and more athletes started to be capable of completing it as well. Conjecturally it would almost seem as if anyone thinks it so too they will it to be. As if reality is being created by the idea of what reality is and what we would want it to be. Someone across the globe thinks of creating a robot and then robots are made. Someone thinks of creating a machine that can wash clothes and thus washing machines are born. Someone thought wouldn’t it be cool if we could transmit data through radio waves and eventually wifi was spawned? I could go on and on with a myriad of examples of where people have somehow thought of it and then it came into existence. Does thinking truly make it so?

As of this point, I have asked a lot of questions however I am not sure where the answers lay. I think that most of the time I could break these limits and become more than I wish I was. I wanted to share some of these ideas and put them out into the world to see if there was anyone else who has thought of these things as well. I know I am not alone in believing that I could be more than I thought I was. Perhaps one day I will know the truth, however at this point I’m just going to keep getting older and not knowing where the limitation is to break. It's like knowing the door exists but never having the key to open it. As I search for the key I find clues that the key exists and one day I hope to find a way beyond this into the unknown. Till then I'll drink my coffee and ponder the universe as I always have and always will. Thank you for reading my incoherent ramblings.

He couldn't see that She was free!

What was I truly to say or do that would have changed anything for the better? She would ask for one if she truly wanted a better life. Though he knew there wasn't much that he could do to prevent her from leaving, he tried anyway. Foolishly hoping that somehow he could change her mindset. She would often tell him that she could not be controlled. Though he never fully grasped her reactions to his affirmations he still stood by her and tried to make it work best he could. He used to think that if he tried hard enough and gave more she would want to stay and that it would finally make him happy. He tried his hardest to make things work. But sometimes things don't always go as they are planned. Sometimes things are not what they seem. How can you make someone love you? How can you open their eyes enough to see that this is what they truly wanted and that it's all they ever asked for? He would often ponder and overthink things like this to himself. Why do we have to love the ones that won't love us back, he thought to himself. All of his efforts would be in vain if he would only just understood this time things would not be different. This time he was always destined to lose. This time there would be no winning and he would have nothing in the end. Do we live to just find what makes us happy or do we live to be happy with what we find? No, matter how many times he would ask himself these types of questions it would never help him to understand what exactly it was that was happening. She is a wildfire. He is a tree. For her to exist he must burn down to the very root. Some people live their entire lives based on emotional reactions to events. They live in the moment and do what feels good then. They never have too much thought or care for a future. Partly because they feel like life is short and if you don't live it now then you'll waste it. While he understood the concept and idea of what she believed he also would think in contrast opposite of her. Their beliefs were just too different to ever come together and unify. He would need her to feel loved while she needed freedom and space to miss him. They could never see eye to eye on this because she lives her life in moments jumping from feeling to feeling, whereas he lived his life for a future that he was looking forward to. Life indeed is short he thought, however, what happens when life is longer than expected? What happens when you outlive your ability to enjoy life, what happens when the memories fade and there is nothing left but to sit and watch time go by? As bleak as that sounded he thought to himself that planning could help offset what could be a dead-end. No one plans to fail or to lose. No one tries to be unhappy or do what they don't like to do. However, sometimes it is required that we sit back and take a moment to think about what could happen if we don't plan ahead. She would never understand his perspective. She would always feel like she has to live in the moment and do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. That life would be better if you lived it freely without consequence. Life to her was a gift that should not be wasted. Do what makes you happy always and never think of what could happen because tomorrow is never guaranteed and you could die today wishing you had done more with your time. She liked to feel just a little chaos in her days so that her blood could surge and rise and she could feel alive in the moment. She already spent too much of her time living for others and scared her to think that she would waste more time if she stood here where she had always lived. She wanted out. A new life with a fresh start. Somewhere she could live wild and free and in the moment. She knew he could never understand and that he would think she was fickle and a flight risk. While she did love him she did not want to feel bogged down to him. She would rather live where and how she loved than have it caged by anyone. She had spent so much of her time on the wrong people who had hurt her and made her feel like less than a person. She would never let anyone else hold her down again. While she believed in monogamy she always felt like she should be able to give herself freely to anyone she wanted and at any time. He could never understand this because he was the type to put all his eggs in one basket she thought. While they were completely different people with opposite mindsets she did love him and she did see how hard he was trying and all the efforts he was making. But in the end, she knew she had to love herself more than anyone else could. If she lived for him and stayed she would regret never having lived her dream and that would eventually turn into resentment. While at times during the quiet hours of the night, she would feel lonely and it was good to have somebody to rely on and depend on, she also knew that this was not a unique feeling to just him and that she could have anyone she desired at any time. She enjoyed the idea of living more than the thought of having someone who she could always rely on. She needed to feel free and alive to not burn out. Life was already too difficult to spend it wasted on someone who wouldn't budge or move. He was stubborn like that. He would never want to just travel the world and live out new experiences. She knew he was as stable as a rock unyielding and unmotivated. If only she could ignite a fire in him to change and see things her way she thought maybe they could have a future. However, like all stories, this one had to end someday so she thought might as well be here and now.

Of distant men and time

           

    How much time has passed on that I have not even spoken to myself the way that I used to? There were many times in the past that I could think of nothing more than to feel free about all the things that kept me down and in the dark. However now I noticed that I am not safe anymore. Every bit of me wants to be left alone and to be free of it all. However, I still crave the right kinds of attention. From the right people. Am I going through a midlife crisis? Perhaps I am. We all are met with our fragility at some point or another. We all seek to become more than what we originally thought we could be. However, now is not the time for playing around and thinking that all will be better. It won’t. Nothing will ever get as good as it was. I can still remember being young with a lot of dreams and hopes and not a single care in the world. Then as I got older I grew colder. I gave all my hopes and dreams to the void and didn’t think to look back. Now all that’s left of me is this sad waste of a man who can do nothing but blame himself for the pain and hurt he has caused others. As I get older I realize that I am not the savior of anything that I thought I was. I would think that I could somehow cure anything and or anyone. But I have been wrong again like I was before. I am not going to help anyone. I am not going to save anyone. And I am not here to make anything different or better. I used to think that I was waiting on this call from high authority to help serve a great purpose. But I was wrong. Perhaps it could be that I nerfed myself too hard. That I intentionally weakened myself to the point of obscurity. I somehow managed to fail on purpose so that I could not do the things that I was meant to do. Perhaps any of that is true. Perhaps I lied to myself and the others about what I could I do in their lives. Now I sit and wait for the end. The ending to this story will somehow justify all the things that I have done. Somehow I made sense of all the things that I was supposed to do.  As I lie to myself I wonder if things will ever get better. However, hope has abandoned me. I am not as strong as used to think I was. And I will not prevail this time. There is no changing what is to come and I accept it even though I don’t like it. To those who thought they knew me, know this now. I was never really real. Nothing about me was ever real. I was never the friend you thought I was or the lover who cared. I was never the hero that would save you or the villain you needed to get through it all. I was only a piece of something that I would never know. A small part of a plan that I will never see. A being made to just be and to just endure. To record and save data on a hard drive for someone else to learn from. Know now that what you saw of me wasn’t real. That I suffered way more than you knew. That I did not ask for your help. That I was only here to bring you whatever hope you thought you needed. I was nothing more than whatever you wanted me to be. All those instincts you got about me were true. You were right. I was never real. Now I hope that with this knowledge you know that there are others like me. Others who were sent here to do the work of the void. Nothing more than chess pieces on a board to serve the void that we may return to in due time. I am not sorry for what I have done. I am only sorry you couldn’t know the truth sooner. And with that, I say good night to all that kept me here. Good night to the world. As I exit stage left know that I will bow one last time for you. However, the show must go on…

-       Ionyx Sephira -

Random Thoughts In October

    There are many things that I once thought would be good for me. In due time I learned they were all a lie. Nothing truly matters any more. As I grow older, I am learning that nothing will ever matter. What we do here now matters. While we are here not after and not later. How we treat each other matters. We can continue to be the type of people that always are at odds with each other. However, what will that matter. We can be good to one another. Instead, we keep thinking that all we need to do is divide and tear each other apart. How fair is it that we play judge, jury, and executioner all the time? No one individual has a chance anymore. It just seems like all of mankind is bound for doom by way of ignorance. The only things that can help any of us are to make sure that we do not draw any hard lines in the sands. We can make sure that we can be better and do better. I am so tired and quite afraid of how much we are divided. Every day it seems to get worse. Some things I understand however others I do not. How can we continue to hold hard lines and hard divisions and make our lives so hard in the process? We can do better than to constantly be at each other’s throats over petty nonsense. None of us are ever truly alone and we need to reach higher grounds together. We don’t have to continue this path of destruction. We could make a better world if we so chose to. 

I am on to you child...

               So I have been thinking a lot lately. About you me and about us. It seems to me that when you know I want you, that’s when you begin to pull away. However if the reverse is true and I pull away you come running back to me. Telling me that you love me and that you want to be with me. Funny how that works. It did not take me long to figure this out because it’s all too familiar for me. However I haven’t seen tactics like this since high school. That’s exactly what this all reminds me of. A juvenile relationship with no aim or goal. Just time spent for no better reason than to waste it. You perhaps don’t want me to see other people. Truthfully I can understand that notion. However what if I don’t want to see you anymore? What if I deem this stupid and pointless and try to move on from it? I am allowed that right am I not? For all this time we have been together, while you were chasing after your past. Trying to make amends for some misguided reasons. You failed to realize that I too have been pulling away. Soon I will be your past as well. Will you forget me then or cling to me just the same? The point is that you are far too damaged to ever understand what you really want. You cant settle down but you don’t want to be alone either. So you chose to waste my time instead. Meanwhile I have goals and dreams and aspirations that I will achieve with or without you in my life. Just remember how you treated me. The lonely nights the terrible days. How you gas lit me into believing that I was the bad guy. In truth now I am. At first I wasn’t. I’ve become what you made me to be. Thought you might want to know that. In this time even though I have squandered it with you. Just know that you have taught me a lot. These things that I have learned from you are going to make me a stronger and better person. So thank you for at least providing me with the opportunity to learn and grow as a human. One day I hope I can say the same about you. That you have learned and grown as a human. Sadly I wont be around to see it.

The End of Hope

        She screams at him for no reason again. He wonders why she is always so angry all the time. Lately it’s getting worse. She seems to be deteriorating faster than he had anticipated. Reluctantly he stays by her side. Insanity once again has hold of him. Though he knows things never get better still he stubbornly tries once again. Thinking somehow, he is special and somehow, he is different. Yet inside he already knows the truth. She cannot be saved. She will not be healed. Not by him at least. Hope fades as always and he accepts this fate. She is angry and always will be. It’s not his fault even as she says it’s his fault. He was honest and faithful. Loyal and caring. Still it’s never enough. You cannot expect the wounded to heal. Those cuts are too deep. They have been their too long to scab over. She picks at them often. Too often. All he can think is that this is another failure. Another sad attempt at happily ever after. She says it’s his fault that she feels this way. She says he is the cause of all his failed attempts with others. He almost believes her. He knows better though. She is angry and trying to hurt him. She knows how much he wants to be in love and happy. Every year that goes by makes him more desperate. Trying to find what isn’t there. Not for him. Everyone else gets to be happy and in love. Though he wishes for it, prays for it, and tries. He knows deep down he will never be happy again. He will never be in love again. He will never have that happy ending. He was stupid long ago. He had wronged an innocent woman. Now he is cursed for all eternity to repeat the same cycle. In this purgatory he will never be free. Insanity takes hold of him again. Keep trying to do it over and over again. His obsession will haunt him forever. She is angry again and now it’s over. The union is no more and he is alone again. She moves on quickly like all fires do. Burning everything around her as she always will. Even though she was new he has seen her before. They are all the same he thinks. Alone now he thinks I will learn this time. I will do it differently. Until along comes another fire. Then he will repeat the same cycle. She is angry again. Will he ever stop playing with fire? Who can say? As time goes on and days grow longer. Will he ever learn? 

The End Of Guilt

        Tit for Tat we play these games. No self awareness of what consequences await us. We play these games both faultless and without shame.What we’ve done to each other will leave scars. These things we do are not ok. Though I have tried to abstain from retaliating, my dark nature eventually won. Now in the chaos of uncertainties. We sit idle awaiting the final curtain call. Taking stage with mask fashioned from misunderstanding and guilt. Who is at fault when neither cares? What is love when its not unconditional? You and I were doing fine. So we both thought. Here now in this darkness how does it feel? To know that I could be just like you. Though I tried to warn you a million times. You never really listened to the things that I had to say did you? Your so intelligent. Smarter than what’s needed to interpret simplicity. As all these walls begin to fall down and all these items come to light, where do you feel we are now? Neither of us are in the right. Neither of us are the victim. We chose to play these games. We both lose. None survived. None the victor. Thank you for this new scar. These lessons always help me grow stronger. In time the dust will settle and we can circle back on each other’s faults. Only then will you realize that you wanted this. From the start you were the catalyst. You were the fuse. Your only fault was not realizing I was the match.

If I knew what you wanted...

So it has come down to a simple question. What do you want? Here I stand again with my heart in hands. Bleeding from the head from some trauma that I can not identify. You see up until I met you I was very lost and alone. At first I was fooled into thinking this could be easy. That I could make something great out of all this uncertainty. Was I wrong to have hoped I could be right this time? So now as I stand here trying not to give up. Doing all that I can to be what you need me to be. The simple question comes back to mind. What do you want? You say you do not know what you want. You say you want to be whole. That's not something that I can fix. All I can offer you is a partnership. Someone to hold and love while navigating the darkness of life. Someone to be there for you when everyone else has gone. Someone who cares. All I wanted to do was make you happy. But no good deed goes unpunished. So I again shoulder the blame and guilt. The pain is all mine to endure. Alone and steadfast. Foolish and broken. As I give these parts of my self again in search of the one who will finally understand what I am. The thought comes back to mind that again I am making another mistake. Another moment of sadness. So if you could just this once lady destiny. Please allow me to have that which I desire. The fullness of my heart. The hope that I dream of. The love of my life. Just one more moment of fleeting bliss before I finally say thank you and see my creators. The question that brought me here, the reason for my very being. Everything that I am and all that I could ever be rest now in your hands. Here I stand before you with my heart in my hands and wound in my head. Asking just one simple question that I hope you can answer. What do you want? If I know then I can help. I can fix it. I save us. I can find rest. Until then please allow me to live as must. Though if that means doing what must be done by way of removing you then let it be. We can be amazing if we just try. All else is silence.

The Empty Heart

        Was there really anything he could do. He would often stare at others and wonder how was it that they seemed to be happy. In a world full of complete and utter chaos. How could anyone find love? It was an impossible task he thought. That to think that everyone was somehow ignorant to all the pain and suffering around them. As if they walked in a cloud and nothing seemed to make sense to them. He would often have thoughts of being nothing at all. Perhaps that was the solution. That was the answer. Though every time he would think of any thing like this. He would simply remember that it was not the way to end things. Though he often felt alone and confused, He knew that time would eventually reveal his true destiny. Or so he had hoped. The biggest moments in his life were in the pursuit of hope. That four letter word that would bring him peace and finality. Somewhere in time existed a happier him he thought. Somewhere at some point there would be a better future for him. As he would often sit and think of all that could be he would try not to forget all that was. Life makes no mistakes and takes no chances he thought. His heart may have been ravaged by the disease of loneliness, but his mind stood ever sharp awaiting the true love to come. He would spend countless days watching patterns and looking for meaning in the abstract. Attempting to create connections from benign interactions. Every thought simply fixated on what could be. How he could start right now and never realize that he would be in the moment he had so long so after. Insanity is not unlike hope. The idea that he could find some thing different though the path chosen was always the same. He knew if he had found what he was finally looking for that the search would be over. That he could finally rest and be at peace with himself and all that was around him. Just one pure moment untainted by hurt to fill his empty heart. All he wanted was to be free and happy. To live life in these moments of purity. How can he find something that may never exist he often thought. If it were really out there wouldn't he have found it already? Wouldn't he have noticed the signs all around him telling him that he was always right? 

The Truth in my heart

                I have become a Christian again and there is something that I am really struggling with. You see I think that I have found the woman that I am supposed to marry. The woman that God has promised me so long ago. There unfortunately are several complications in the way of us being together. Many of these complications are pretty severe. Though I am a firm believer that love conquers all, there is a question of whether or not this love is right by Gods eyes. You see I really believe in my heart of hearts that this woman is my wife. My heart beats a billion times faster when I am around her and seems to stand still when she is gone. All I want is for her to be happy. In any way that may be. Even if it’s not with me. Though I feel we are supposed to be together. Nothing hurts more than not being sure and not knowing. Every day I draw closer to God and seek his will and counsel on this subject. My soul harkens unto his will and I try to live a sinless life according to his plan. Can love that comes from God ever truly be sin? Now I know that sounds like an easy answer. To think that perhaps I am just confused and that this love is not from God but only from my earthly heart and that it is wicked. Alas I assure you that it is not possible that this love be sin. For one thing God lives in me. My body is his temple and though I sin against my temple from time to time this love could not be born of sin. There is no way that the one who is love that lives inside of me could want me to sin against him. That would be a form of spiritual suicide. Nothing in my heart is imperfect. My love is not imperfect. Yet God is a God of order and not confusion. This is the fundamental truth that lies in the matter of honesty. Could this love be sin? No. It’s not I that am truly confused. My heart knows what it wants and I have asked God many times that if this love be sin to take it from me. Though he has yet to do so. Its real and it’s from God that I love. One day hopefully all of this will fall in line according to his plan. Until that time I have to remain ever his servant and ever obedient by his command and by his word.

Should We Love or Fear God?

Hello it’s been a long time since I’ve cracked open my lap top to write anything. Since I’ve last written I have once again delve back into a Christian life style. The details on why I’ve become a Christian again I shall leave for a later time. Having once again picked up my bible to start studying the word of god, an inherent detail has begun to resurface in my mind. A long standing question that I’ve often asked my self is do I love God or fear him? To me love and fear are two very different and distinctly polar opposite emotions. You can fear losing something you love. But you truly can’t love something that you fear. Fear feeds hate and self-preservation. Whereas love feeds compassion, understanding, and self-sacrifice. I’ve never known someone to sacrifice themselves for fear. Though I have seen many people do it for love. My self-included. I wouldn’t normally stand in front of gun or a charging bear because I fear those things. But to protect some one that I love I would do it in a heartbeat. Is God power full. Yes of course. Is God magnificent. Yes, indeed he is. If I were to turn away from God and sin against him and curse his very name, then yes I would fear him. I would fear his wrath. I would fear his judgment. Most of all I would fear his absence. To say that I could love what I fear to me is not only paradoxical but it’s wrong. Even when I was a child I understood this. I never feared a beating from my mom because I knew I deserved it. Deep down when you know you deserve judgement and punishment for something that you’ve done wrong you don’t fear that person or thing that inflicts it upon you. You love them. Or at the very least you can be indifferent towards them. Neither love nor fear. So to me I will never say that I fear God. Because God loves me. Even now. Even still. After all the wrong that I have done and every sin I’ve ever committed. In full knowledge of my actions and the consequences there after. I could never say that I didn’t know what would happen. When I’ve done something wrong or sinned against God. Since God knows the abundance of my heart and knows that my heart is both filled with and motivated by love. How could I fear any judgment if I am deserving of it. Instead I will choose to love his grace and his mercy. To love his restraint. To love his forgiveness. Since God is my father then he should also be my teacher since we raise our young and teach them what is right and wrong. Then by the examples of my father’s love and mercy I shall also be that way. I shall love and never make myself a person to be feared. To me it’s like that old saying is it better to be feared or respected? I say neither for it is better to be loved and to show love in return.

Let me know how you feel about this in the comments sections. If any were to find fault in the things I say or would like to enlighten me via scripture I welcome such things. Go now and may God be with you and love you all the days of your life.

Why do women chose to be with bad men.

  

      It’s amazing growing up as a millennia man these days. Women of this generation seem to love to suffer. It’s crazy really. The whole notion of a bad boy lures them into thinking that being mistreated is what they truly deserve. In all honesty I'm quite over it. It sickens me. Over and over again they trap themselves with these men and complain that they are mistreated. Over and over again they call themselves strong and say that they are bosses and yet they get their feelings trampled on day in and day out. They become so accustomed to the mistreatment that when they actually meet a normal guy they act completely irrational. For instance, like asking him to marry them while having sex. This has happened to me twice so far. Only to be broken up with later on because they crave the torment that they use to receive at the hands of those bad guys. It truly confuses me. I'm a good looking guy. I'm not fat I work out and I have no need for a woman to do anything for me. It seems the more you have your life together the more susceptible you are to being mistreated. Women have broken up with me for all types of dumb reasons. In the end they end up being with the kind of guy that they claimed they loathed. Of course I get to revel in that later on but it’s still very sad to watch. One day perhaps I will find a normal kind woman. One who doesn't play games and isn't so “Stockholm “that they can actually recognize and appreciate me. Till then I watch these helpless angels have their wings plucked over and over again. Some learn eventually. Others will sadly repeat this cycle forever. Oh well. You can’t save every one now can you?

The Argument - A short cautionary tale

   

     I have not the time nor the patience to deal with you. Something tells me by the look on your face that you truly don't understand. Its ok, were I you this would seem out of place. In truth though I'm not you. This may not come as a shock to you, but I'm not who you think I am. The reason I become who you want me to be, is simple. Everything stems from power. The need to control. We all share the same basic desires. Power hungry we seek things that seem to give us control of another. Why would we need these things if we are happy? The truth is we are never happy. We are insatiable covetous beings. We seek everything we don't have. Everything we already poses is worthless by virtue of its acquisition. The chase is everything. Running after a lofty goal no matter how intangible is all that keeps us moving and motivated. Dreams are only worth the time if we aren't awake to poke holes in its reality. No one wants the things that they can easily obtain. The saying the grass grows greener on the other side perfectly summarizes this. In truth no one really wants to work for what they have. In the end they always put forth more work than they had intended. If your chasing something and running after a goal, then you are indeed expending energy. How do you obtain power without the use of power? The simple answer would be that it’s impossible. The truth however is vastly different. Don't use your own energy. Instead learn how to manipulate other people’s efforts for your own gain. The moral disposition of such a notion is indicative of dishonesty. This is only half true. Is it not more dishonest to not admit that we all deserve more than we have been dealt? We have to find the keys to the doors that were hidden to us long ago. All I suggest is that you search for the keys so that I may enter. When you are exhausted and weary, worry not. For I without having expended my energies shall carry you forward. Together we shall both reap the rewards… Or so the snake says.

Future Fustrations Cycle

So I have begun to notice a trend and I don't know what I should do. Either I confront this matter head on and face certain back lash. Or I continue to let it eat me up on the inside. The problem that I have is small. Either way I'm going to be the bad guy. I'm always the bad guy. This is truly an unfair statement because I always mean well. Yet over and over again I'm put in situations where apathy is not the best choice for my self or others. So what am I truly to do? I'll never be able to fix every one or save every one. All I can do is try to alleviate their worries and troubles and hope that they end up being happy in the end. Because this is more than I can grin or bear. No one should ever feel like they are responsible for fixing some else's past and that includes me. The past can't be used to hurt the future and yet here I am again. Facing this same moral dilemma. It's truly not my fault that most people need some one to help them see the light. sadly I can no longer accept responsibility for other peoples actions.

Random Late Night thoughts.

It has been a while since I’ve written anything in my blog. A lot has gone on and because of that its prevented me from getting a clear mind to type. There is no reason for me to bore you with the details. Though there is something that I would like to talk about. Here lately I’ve been thinking a lot about potential and growth. Both personal and professional. One thing that has become glaringly obvious is the old saying " it’s not what you know but who you know ". It seems to be the old adage was true. Even knowing this saying it never truly occurred to me how to maximize its potential. Now that I am beginning to adhere to this old adage, all the gates and doors seem to be open to me. I’ve noticed a change in my overall persona and demeanor. People seem to respect me more. Things seem to become easy to the point little effort is needed. Now all my goals seem that much closer and attainable. This is of course not without a lot of work. With that being said though even that work seems very easy. If I can I would like to share one thing that has motivated me to no end recently. It follows as such. Time truly waits for no man. Being no exception to that rule I’ve found myself getting older faster than I was moving forward. That's not something that I can tolerate any more. You see I am a single father and I would like to provide my daughter with the best of things in life. So that means that I myself must acquire those better things to then pass them on to her. As a parent we all know that our children mean the world to us. My daughter has become my central focus in life. If something doesn't benefit her wellbeing than it must be removed with haste. So to draw back to my original point. Because I have an immense love for her I have to be not only a better man but a better person in the world of business. If I have lost my point bear with me. This brandy is much stronger than I thought. Thought a drink could help the words flow a little better. What I'm trying to say is to do more I have to be more. The only point that I'm trying to poorly convey is that opportunity is not something that you can simply wait for. You have to create your opportunities and make life your own. No one is going to give you anything. You have to create it for yourself. If you cannot focus on your goals, then you’re not going to make it in life. Many years have been wasted waiting for something to come along and help me. Now the time is at hand to do the things that need to be done. So going forward I'm going to make sure that I succeed at life instead of standing by and watching it tick away.

The little annoying things...

Sometimes I am a complete victim to frustration. It seems to be everywhere around me manifesting itself constantly in mundane situations. Probably one of the most annoying things about this is the fact that I don't know exactly what triggers it. For all intents and purposes I have a great life. I'm a father of one of the most beautiful little girls this world has ever seen. My job is great and I have worked there over a decade. My love life is amazing and I'm healthy as a horse. Yet from time to time I have things that bug me immensely. Though I try to blame my intelligence or lack thereof at times, I realize it’s something that most people go through often. Even still it’s terribly annoying. To me my frustrations feel like a locked door blocking my climb towards an even more successful life. Everywhere I see keys but none of them seem to unlock those doors. It’s very annoying. Albert Einstein supposedly defined insanity as the repeated action of an un fruitful result. Is that what I'm doing? Repeating the same patterns over and over again in a vicious cycle of futility? Surely there are no external forces that I can draw upon to either aid, or stifle me. Even still, I feel it. The nagging persistent frustration that says " You don't belong here". Will I ever conquer these annoying fears? Perhaps one day maybe. For now, I sit in front of this tiny laptop. In my town home filled with luxuries, while my daughter entertains herself by asking me several thousands of questions. With my biceps still sore from the work outs earlier during the week. Here I sit, waiting to unravel the mysteries that lock my mind and keep me running in this hamster’s wheel. Frustrated every time I look over and realize I'm not really moving at all. Oh well at least it’s fun exercise. 

 

Random Thoughts...

When I wake up every morning I have the strange feeling that I am reliving the same day. Sometimes this has led me to believe that I'm still asleep. When I feel like this I try to take control of my surroundings but it never works. A recurring theme seems to take hold. How do I know I am actually living? Time moves to a degree but we truly can’t see it can we. The older I get the more I feel my body and mind slowing down. Are these the effects of time? If I am alive and I am moving does anything ever really change at all? It feels like I'm stuck in a Matrix. Recently scientist have started noting that the world may actually be a giant simulation. Years ago I had come across this idea in the form of a book called " The Holographic Universe". It was a decent read for me at the time. When I was younger I was really into physics and Neural-sciences. The question of how we know what we know is a fascinating prospect to me. How do we ever really know anything at all? Everything I'm thinking right now, every word I type has been thought of at some point before by someone else. Does anything ever really change at all? This may seem an insignificant question to most but to me it is the lynch pin to our existence. As I get older I pick up more understanding of how this all works. Even still nothing really changes at all. If I could sum it up to a degree I feel like I'm an old video cassette tape. One that was used before to record numerous events. As time passes on the tape records more and more. Eventually ghost images of what has been previously recorded start to wear on the film and things seem remotely familiar. Like I have seen this before. It’s become so prominent as with time that I can almost predict events with a high rate of accuracy. Am I actually predicting the future or is it that I have done these things before? In time I am sure I’ll know what all this means. For right now it still won’t make sense. All I know is that Life keeps marching on and I keep flowing down that river that has been so well charted before me. Or am I?

 

A Real Man... I hate that term.

Ok so I have had my fair share of run ins with women in my time. Lately one narrative seems to keep popping up in conversations amongst millennial women. “A real man”, shouted and spoken from the lips of every jaded woman from old to young. This is the phrase tossed around on social media left and right to condition and disarm would be bad boys. The sad thing is the bad boys are already too good at what they do. So good luck trying to make a boy become a man. The ugly truth is that you attract the kind of guy you get. If you are overly flirtatious don't expect your man to not be. Men are opportunist. The term “What is good for the goose is good for the gander” applies heavily to male thinking. If you’re the type of women that enjoys having a lot of male friends while having a boyfriend, don't be upset that he will do the same thing with his female friends. You can’t make the rules and then not chose to follow them. It just doesn't work that way. Now I get that there are a lot of immature selfish men out there. What you also must realize is that there are a lot of insecure jealous women as well. An example I could give would be a female friend of mine that has slept with a great deal of men, but doesn't like me because she thinks I'm a flirt. That kind of thinking is amazing to me. The fact that she can go out and have sex with any one she wanted too but I can’t even talk to a female without her getting jealous. These type of women are a dime a dozen. Just like all the so called fake men. The point that I want to truly drive home is that you have to stop type casting men. Find a good guy. You will know if he is a man or a boy. You can’t assume that any guy will be everything that you want him to be. Especially if you yourself are not up to par. Expect more from yourself and you will get more from everyone else. That's just how it works. Do not go around shouting “A Real Man” left and right and expect one to just come out of nowhere. For all the women that I have offended I am sorry. For those that understood please explain it to the ones that don't. Thank You.