I am on to you child...

               So I have been thinking a lot lately. About you me and about us. It seems to me that when you know I want you, that’s when you begin to pull away. However if the reverse is true and I pull away you come running back to me. Telling me that you love me and that you want to be with me. Funny how that works. It did not take me long to figure this out because it’s all too familiar for me. However I haven’t seen tactics like this since high school. That’s exactly what this all reminds me of. A juvenile relationship with no aim or goal. Just time spent for no better reason than to waste it. You perhaps don’t want me to see other people. Truthfully I can understand that notion. However what if I don’t want to see you anymore? What if I deem this stupid and pointless and try to move on from it? I am allowed that right am I not? For all this time we have been together, while you were chasing after your past. Trying to make amends for some misguided reasons. You failed to realize that I too have been pulling away. Soon I will be your past as well. Will you forget me then or cling to me just the same? The point is that you are far too damaged to ever understand what you really want. You cant settle down but you don’t want to be alone either. So you chose to waste my time instead. Meanwhile I have goals and dreams and aspirations that I will achieve with or without you in my life. Just remember how you treated me. The lonely nights the terrible days. How you gas lit me into believing that I was the bad guy. In truth now I am. At first I wasn’t. I’ve become what you made me to be. Thought you might want to know that. In this time even though I have squandered it with you. Just know that you have taught me a lot. These things that I have learned from you are going to make me a stronger and better person. So thank you for at least providing me with the opportunity to learn and grow as a human. One day I hope I can say the same about you. That you have learned and grown as a human. Sadly I wont be around to see it.

The End of Hope

        She screams at him for no reason again. He wonders why she is always so angry all the time. Lately it’s getting worse. She seems to be deteriorating faster than he had anticipated. Reluctantly he stays by her side. Insanity once again has hold of him. Though he knows things never get better still he stubbornly tries once again. Thinking somehow, he is special and somehow, he is different. Yet inside he already knows the truth. She cannot be saved. She will not be healed. Not by him at least. Hope fades as always and he accepts this fate. She is angry and always will be. It’s not his fault even as she says it’s his fault. He was honest and faithful. Loyal and caring. Still it’s never enough. You cannot expect the wounded to heal. Those cuts are too deep. They have been their too long to scab over. She picks at them often. Too often. All he can think is that this is another failure. Another sad attempt at happily ever after. She says it’s his fault that she feels this way. She says he is the cause of all his failed attempts with others. He almost believes her. He knows better though. She is angry and trying to hurt him. She knows how much he wants to be in love and happy. Every year that goes by makes him more desperate. Trying to find what isn’t there. Not for him. Everyone else gets to be happy and in love. Though he wishes for it, prays for it, and tries. He knows deep down he will never be happy again. He will never be in love again. He will never have that happy ending. He was stupid long ago. He had wronged an innocent woman. Now he is cursed for all eternity to repeat the same cycle. In this purgatory he will never be free. Insanity takes hold of him again. Keep trying to do it over and over again. His obsession will haunt him forever. She is angry again and now it’s over. The union is no more and he is alone again. She moves on quickly like all fires do. Burning everything around her as she always will. Even though she was new he has seen her before. They are all the same he thinks. Alone now he thinks I will learn this time. I will do it differently. Until along comes another fire. Then he will repeat the same cycle. She is angry again. Will he ever stop playing with fire? Who can say? As time goes on and days grow longer. Will he ever learn?