Of distant men and time

           

    How much time has passed on that I have not even spoken to myself the way that I used to? There were many times in the past that I could think of nothing more than to feel free about all the things that kept me down and in the dark. However now I noticed that I am not safe anymore. Every bit of me wants to be left alone and to be free of it all. However, I still crave the right kinds of attention. From the right people. Am I going through a midlife crisis? Perhaps I am. We all are met with our fragility at some point or another. We all seek to become more than what we originally thought we could be. However, now is not the time for playing around and thinking that all will be better. It won’t. Nothing will ever get as good as it was. I can still remember being young with a lot of dreams and hopes and not a single care in the world. Then as I got older I grew colder. I gave all my hopes and dreams to the void and didn’t think to look back. Now all that’s left of me is this sad waste of a man who can do nothing but blame himself for the pain and hurt he has caused others. As I get older I realize that I am not the savior of anything that I thought I was. I would think that I could somehow cure anything and or anyone. But I have been wrong again like I was before. I am not going to help anyone. I am not going to save anyone. And I am not here to make anything different or better. I used to think that I was waiting on this call from high authority to help serve a great purpose. But I was wrong. Perhaps it could be that I nerfed myself too hard. That I intentionally weakened myself to the point of obscurity. I somehow managed to fail on purpose so that I could not do the things that I was meant to do. Perhaps any of that is true. Perhaps I lied to myself and the others about what I could I do in their lives. Now I sit and wait for the end. The ending to this story will somehow justify all the things that I have done. Somehow I made sense of all the things that I was supposed to do.  As I lie to myself I wonder if things will ever get better. However, hope has abandoned me. I am not as strong as used to think I was. And I will not prevail this time. There is no changing what is to come and I accept it even though I don’t like it. To those who thought they knew me, know this now. I was never really real. Nothing about me was ever real. I was never the friend you thought I was or the lover who cared. I was never the hero that would save you or the villain you needed to get through it all. I was only a piece of something that I would never know. A small part of a plan that I will never see. A being made to just be and to just endure. To record and save data on a hard drive for someone else to learn from. Know now that what you saw of me wasn’t real. That I suffered way more than you knew. That I did not ask for your help. That I was only here to bring you whatever hope you thought you needed. I was nothing more than whatever you wanted me to be. All those instincts you got about me were true. You were right. I was never real. Now I hope that with this knowledge you know that there are others like me. Others who were sent here to do the work of the void. Nothing more than chess pieces on a board to serve the void that we may return to in due time. I am not sorry for what I have done. I am only sorry you couldn’t know the truth sooner. And with that, I say good night to all that kept me here. Good night to the world. As I exit stage left know that I will bow one last time for you. However, the show must go on…

-       Ionyx Sephira -

Random Thoughts In October

    There are many things that I once thought would be good for me. In due time I learned they were all a lie. Nothing truly matters any more. As I grow older, I am learning that nothing will ever matter. What we do here now matters. While we are here not after and not later. How we treat each other matters. We can continue to be the type of people that always are at odds with each other. However, what will that matter. We can be good to one another. Instead, we keep thinking that all we need to do is divide and tear each other apart. How fair is it that we play judge, jury, and executioner all the time? No one individual has a chance anymore. It just seems like all of mankind is bound for doom by way of ignorance. The only things that can help any of us are to make sure that we do not draw any hard lines in the sands. We can make sure that we can be better and do better. I am so tired and quite afraid of how much we are divided. Every day it seems to get worse. Some things I understand however others I do not. How can we continue to hold hard lines and hard divisions and make our lives so hard in the process? We can do better than to constantly be at each other’s throats over petty nonsense. None of us are ever truly alone and we need to reach higher grounds together. We don’t have to continue this path of destruction. We could make a better world if we so chose to. 

I am on to you child...

               So I have been thinking a lot lately. About you me and about us. It seems to me that when you know I want you, that’s when you begin to pull away. However if the reverse is true and I pull away you come running back to me. Telling me that you love me and that you want to be with me. Funny how that works. It did not take me long to figure this out because it’s all too familiar for me. However I haven’t seen tactics like this since high school. That’s exactly what this all reminds me of. A juvenile relationship with no aim or goal. Just time spent for no better reason than to waste it. You perhaps don’t want me to see other people. Truthfully I can understand that notion. However what if I don’t want to see you anymore? What if I deem this stupid and pointless and try to move on from it? I am allowed that right am I not? For all this time we have been together, while you were chasing after your past. Trying to make amends for some misguided reasons. You failed to realize that I too have been pulling away. Soon I will be your past as well. Will you forget me then or cling to me just the same? The point is that you are far too damaged to ever understand what you really want. You cant settle down but you don’t want to be alone either. So you chose to waste my time instead. Meanwhile I have goals and dreams and aspirations that I will achieve with or without you in my life. Just remember how you treated me. The lonely nights the terrible days. How you gas lit me into believing that I was the bad guy. In truth now I am. At first I wasn’t. I’ve become what you made me to be. Thought you might want to know that. In this time even though I have squandered it with you. Just know that you have taught me a lot. These things that I have learned from you are going to make me a stronger and better person. So thank you for at least providing me with the opportunity to learn and grow as a human. One day I hope I can say the same about you. That you have learned and grown as a human. Sadly I wont be around to see it.

The End of Hope

        She screams at him for no reason again. He wonders why she is always so angry all the time. Lately it’s getting worse. She seems to be deteriorating faster than he had anticipated. Reluctantly he stays by her side. Insanity once again has hold of him. Though he knows things never get better still he stubbornly tries once again. Thinking somehow, he is special and somehow, he is different. Yet inside he already knows the truth. She cannot be saved. She will not be healed. Not by him at least. Hope fades as always and he accepts this fate. She is angry and always will be. It’s not his fault even as she says it’s his fault. He was honest and faithful. Loyal and caring. Still it’s never enough. You cannot expect the wounded to heal. Those cuts are too deep. They have been their too long to scab over. She picks at them often. Too often. All he can think is that this is another failure. Another sad attempt at happily ever after. She says it’s his fault that she feels this way. She says he is the cause of all his failed attempts with others. He almost believes her. He knows better though. She is angry and trying to hurt him. She knows how much he wants to be in love and happy. Every year that goes by makes him more desperate. Trying to find what isn’t there. Not for him. Everyone else gets to be happy and in love. Though he wishes for it, prays for it, and tries. He knows deep down he will never be happy again. He will never be in love again. He will never have that happy ending. He was stupid long ago. He had wronged an innocent woman. Now he is cursed for all eternity to repeat the same cycle. In this purgatory he will never be free. Insanity takes hold of him again. Keep trying to do it over and over again. His obsession will haunt him forever. She is angry again and now it’s over. The union is no more and he is alone again. She moves on quickly like all fires do. Burning everything around her as she always will. Even though she was new he has seen her before. They are all the same he thinks. Alone now he thinks I will learn this time. I will do it differently. Until along comes another fire. Then he will repeat the same cycle. She is angry again. Will he ever stop playing with fire? Who can say? As time goes on and days grow longer. Will he ever learn? 

The End Of Guilt

        Tit for Tat we play these games. No self awareness of what consequences await us. We play these games both faultless and without shame.What we’ve done to each other will leave scars. These things we do are not ok. Though I have tried to abstain from retaliating, my dark nature eventually won. Now in the chaos of uncertainties. We sit idle awaiting the final curtain call. Taking stage with mask fashioned from misunderstanding and guilt. Who is at fault when neither cares? What is love when its not unconditional? You and I were doing fine. So we both thought. Here now in this darkness how does it feel? To know that I could be just like you. Though I tried to warn you a million times. You never really listened to the things that I had to say did you? Your so intelligent. Smarter than what’s needed to interpret simplicity. As all these walls begin to fall down and all these items come to light, where do you feel we are now? Neither of us are in the right. Neither of us are the victim. We chose to play these games. We both lose. None survived. None the victor. Thank you for this new scar. These lessons always help me grow stronger. In time the dust will settle and we can circle back on each other’s faults. Only then will you realize that you wanted this. From the start you were the catalyst. You were the fuse. Your only fault was not realizing I was the match.

If I knew what you wanted...

So it has come down to a simple question. What do you want? Here I stand again with my heart in hands. Bleeding from the head from some trauma that I can not identify. You see up until I met you I was very lost and alone. At first I was fooled into thinking this could be easy. That I could make something great out of all this uncertainty. Was I wrong to have hoped I could be right this time? So now as I stand here trying not to give up. Doing all that I can to be what you need me to be. The simple question comes back to mind. What do you want? You say you do not know what you want. You say you want to be whole. That's not something that I can fix. All I can offer you is a partnership. Someone to hold and love while navigating the darkness of life. Someone to be there for you when everyone else has gone. Someone who cares. All I wanted to do was make you happy. But no good deed goes unpunished. So I again shoulder the blame and guilt. The pain is all mine to endure. Alone and steadfast. Foolish and broken. As I give these parts of my self again in search of the one who will finally understand what I am. The thought comes back to mind that again I am making another mistake. Another moment of sadness. So if you could just this once lady destiny. Please allow me to have that which I desire. The fullness of my heart. The hope that I dream of. The love of my life. Just one more moment of fleeting bliss before I finally say thank you and see my creators. The question that brought me here, the reason for my very being. Everything that I am and all that I could ever be rest now in your hands. Here I stand before you with my heart in my hands and wound in my head. Asking just one simple question that I hope you can answer. What do you want? If I know then I can help. I can fix it. I save us. I can find rest. Until then please allow me to live as must. Though if that means doing what must be done by way of removing you then let it be. We can be amazing if we just try. All else is silence.

The Empty Heart

        Was there really anything he could do. He would often stare at others and wonder how was it that they seemed to be happy. In a world full of complete and utter chaos. How could anyone find love? It was an impossible task he thought. That to think that everyone was somehow ignorant to all the pain and suffering around them. As if they walked in a cloud and nothing seemed to make sense to them. He would often have thoughts of being nothing at all. Perhaps that was the solution. That was the answer. Though every time he would think of any thing like this. He would simply remember that it was not the way to end things. Though he often felt alone and confused, He knew that time would eventually reveal his true destiny. Or so he had hoped. The biggest moments in his life were in the pursuit of hope. That four letter word that would bring him peace and finality. Somewhere in time existed a happier him he thought. Somewhere at some point there would be a better future for him. As he would often sit and think of all that could be he would try not to forget all that was. Life makes no mistakes and takes no chances he thought. His heart may have been ravaged by the disease of loneliness, but his mind stood ever sharp awaiting the true love to come. He would spend countless days watching patterns and looking for meaning in the abstract. Attempting to create connections from benign interactions. Every thought simply fixated on what could be. How he could start right now and never realize that he would be in the moment he had so long so after. Insanity is not unlike hope. The idea that he could find some thing different though the path chosen was always the same. He knew if he had found what he was finally looking for that the search would be over. That he could finally rest and be at peace with himself and all that was around him. Just one pure moment untainted by hurt to fill his empty heart. All he wanted was to be free and happy. To live life in these moments of purity. How can he find something that may never exist he often thought. If it were really out there wouldn't he have found it already? Wouldn't he have noticed the signs all around him telling him that he was always right?