If I knew what you wanted...

So it has come down to a simple question. What do you want? Here I stand again with my heart in hands. Bleeding from the head from some trauma that I can not identify. You see up until I met you I was very lost and alone. At first I was fooled into thinking this could be easy. That I could make something great out of all this uncertainty. Was I wrong to have hoped I could be right this time? So now as I stand here trying not to give up. Doing all that I can to be what you need me to be. The simple question comes back to mind. What do you want? You say you do not know what you want. You say you want to be whole. That's not something that I can fix. All I can offer you is a partnership. Someone to hold and love while navigating the darkness of life. Someone to be there for you when everyone else has gone. Someone who cares. All I wanted to do was make you happy. But no good deed goes unpunished. So I again shoulder the blame and guilt. The pain is all mine to endure. Alone and steadfast. Foolish and broken. As I give these parts of my self again in search of the one who will finally understand what I am. The thought comes back to mind that again I am making another mistake. Another moment of sadness. So if you could just this once lady destiny. Please allow me to have that which I desire. The fullness of my heart. The hope that I dream of. The love of my life. Just one more moment of fleeting bliss before I finally say thank you and see my creators. The question that brought me here, the reason for my very being. Everything that I am and all that I could ever be rest now in your hands. Here I stand before you with my heart in my hands and wound in my head. Asking just one simple question that I hope you can answer. What do you want? If I know then I can help. I can fix it. I save us. I can find rest. Until then please allow me to live as must. Though if that means doing what must be done by way of removing you then let it be. We can be amazing if we just try. All else is silence.

The Empty Heart

        Was there really anything he could do. He would often stare at others and wonder how was it that they seemed to be happy. In a world full of complete and utter chaos. How could anyone find love? It was an impossible task he thought. That to think that everyone was somehow ignorant to all the pain and suffering around them. As if they walked in a cloud and nothing seemed to make sense to them. He would often have thoughts of being nothing at all. Perhaps that was the solution. That was the answer. Though every time he would think of any thing like this. He would simply remember that it was not the way to end things. Though he often felt alone and confused, He knew that time would eventually reveal his true destiny. Or so he had hoped. The biggest moments in his life were in the pursuit of hope. That four letter word that would bring him peace and finality. Somewhere in time existed a happier him he thought. Somewhere at some point there would be a better future for him. As he would often sit and think of all that could be he would try not to forget all that was. Life makes no mistakes and takes no chances he thought. His heart may have been ravaged by the disease of loneliness, but his mind stood ever sharp awaiting the true love to come. He would spend countless days watching patterns and looking for meaning in the abstract. Attempting to create connections from benign interactions. Every thought simply fixated on what could be. How he could start right now and never realize that he would be in the moment he had so long so after. Insanity is not unlike hope. The idea that he could find some thing different though the path chosen was always the same. He knew if he had found what he was finally looking for that the search would be over. That he could finally rest and be at peace with himself and all that was around him. Just one pure moment untainted by hurt to fill his empty heart. All he wanted was to be free and happy. To live life in these moments of purity. How can he find something that may never exist he often thought. If it were really out there wouldn't he have found it already? Wouldn't he have noticed the signs all around him telling him that he was always right?