The End Of Guilt

        Tit for Tat we play these games. No self awareness of what consequences await us. We play these games both faultless and without shame.What we’ve done to each other will leave scars. These things we do are not ok. Though I have tried to abstain from retaliating, my dark nature eventually won. Now in the chaos of uncertainties. We sit idle awaiting the final curtain call. Taking stage with mask fashioned from misunderstanding and guilt. Who is at fault when neither cares? What is love when its not unconditional? You and I were doing fine. So we both thought. Here now in this darkness how does it feel? To know that I could be just like you. Though I tried to warn you a million times. You never really listened to the things that I had to say did you? Your so intelligent. Smarter than what’s needed to interpret simplicity. As all these walls begin to fall down and all these items come to light, where do you feel we are now? Neither of us are in the right. Neither of us are the victim. We chose to play these games. We both lose. None survived. None the victor. Thank you for this new scar. These lessons always help me grow stronger. In time the dust will settle and we can circle back on each other’s faults. Only then will you realize that you wanted this. From the start you were the catalyst. You were the fuse. Your only fault was not realizing I was the match.

If I knew what you wanted...

So it has come down to a simple question. What do you want? Here I stand again with my heart in hands. Bleeding from the head from some trauma that I can not identify. You see up until I met you I was very lost and alone. At first I was fooled into thinking this could be easy. That I could make something great out of all this uncertainty. Was I wrong to have hoped I could be right this time? So now as I stand here trying not to give up. Doing all that I can to be what you need me to be. The simple question comes back to mind. What do you want? You say you do not know what you want. You say you want to be whole. That's not something that I can fix. All I can offer you is a partnership. Someone to hold and love while navigating the darkness of life. Someone to be there for you when everyone else has gone. Someone who cares. All I wanted to do was make you happy. But no good deed goes unpunished. So I again shoulder the blame and guilt. The pain is all mine to endure. Alone and steadfast. Foolish and broken. As I give these parts of my self again in search of the one who will finally understand what I am. The thought comes back to mind that again I am making another mistake. Another moment of sadness. So if you could just this once lady destiny. Please allow me to have that which I desire. The fullness of my heart. The hope that I dream of. The love of my life. Just one more moment of fleeting bliss before I finally say thank you and see my creators. The question that brought me here, the reason for my very being. Everything that I am and all that I could ever be rest now in your hands. Here I stand before you with my heart in my hands and wound in my head. Asking just one simple question that I hope you can answer. What do you want? If I know then I can help. I can fix it. I save us. I can find rest. Until then please allow me to live as must. Though if that means doing what must be done by way of removing you then let it be. We can be amazing if we just try. All else is silence.

The Empty Heart

        Was there really anything he could do. He would often stare at others and wonder how was it that they seemed to be happy. In a world full of complete and utter chaos. How could anyone find love? It was an impossible task he thought. That to think that everyone was somehow ignorant to all the pain and suffering around them. As if they walked in a cloud and nothing seemed to make sense to them. He would often have thoughts of being nothing at all. Perhaps that was the solution. That was the answer. Though every time he would think of any thing like this. He would simply remember that it was not the way to end things. Though he often felt alone and confused, He knew that time would eventually reveal his true destiny. Or so he had hoped. The biggest moments in his life were in the pursuit of hope. That four letter word that would bring him peace and finality. Somewhere in time existed a happier him he thought. Somewhere at some point there would be a better future for him. As he would often sit and think of all that could be he would try not to forget all that was. Life makes no mistakes and takes no chances he thought. His heart may have been ravaged by the disease of loneliness, but his mind stood ever sharp awaiting the true love to come. He would spend countless days watching patterns and looking for meaning in the abstract. Attempting to create connections from benign interactions. Every thought simply fixated on what could be. How he could start right now and never realize that he would be in the moment he had so long so after. Insanity is not unlike hope. The idea that he could find some thing different though the path chosen was always the same. He knew if he had found what he was finally looking for that the search would be over. That he could finally rest and be at peace with himself and all that was around him. Just one pure moment untainted by hurt to fill his empty heart. All he wanted was to be free and happy. To live life in these moments of purity. How can he find something that may never exist he often thought. If it were really out there wouldn't he have found it already? Wouldn't he have noticed the signs all around him telling him that he was always right? 

The Truth in my heart

                I have become a Christian again and there is something that I am really struggling with. You see I think that I have found the woman that I am supposed to marry. The woman that God has promised me so long ago. There unfortunately are several complications in the way of us being together. Many of these complications are pretty severe. Though I am a firm believer that love conquers all, there is a question of whether or not this love is right by Gods eyes. You see I really believe in my heart of hearts that this woman is my wife. My heart beats a billion times faster when I am around her and seems to stand still when she is gone. All I want is for her to be happy. In any way that may be. Even if it’s not with me. Though I feel we are supposed to be together. Nothing hurts more than not being sure and not knowing. Every day I draw closer to God and seek his will and counsel on this subject. My soul harkens unto his will and I try to live a sinless life according to his plan. Can love that comes from God ever truly be sin? Now I know that sounds like an easy answer. To think that perhaps I am just confused and that this love is not from God but only from my earthly heart and that it is wicked. Alas I assure you that it is not possible that this love be sin. For one thing God lives in me. My body is his temple and though I sin against my temple from time to time this love could not be born of sin. There is no way that the one who is love that lives inside of me could want me to sin against him. That would be a form of spiritual suicide. Nothing in my heart is imperfect. My love is not imperfect. Yet God is a God of order and not confusion. This is the fundamental truth that lies in the matter of honesty. Could this love be sin? No. It’s not I that am truly confused. My heart knows what it wants and I have asked God many times that if this love be sin to take it from me. Though he has yet to do so. Its real and it’s from God that I love. One day hopefully all of this will fall in line according to his plan. Until that time I have to remain ever his servant and ever obedient by his command and by his word.

Should We Love or Fear God?

Hello it’s been a long time since I’ve cracked open my lap top to write anything. Since I’ve last written I have once again delve back into a Christian life style. The details on why I’ve become a Christian again I shall leave for a later time. Having once again picked up my bible to start studying the word of god, an inherent detail has begun to resurface in my mind. A long standing question that I’ve often asked my self is do I love God or fear him? To me love and fear are two very different and distinctly polar opposite emotions. You can fear losing something you love. But you truly can’t love something that you fear. Fear feeds hate and self-preservation. Whereas love feeds compassion, understanding, and self-sacrifice. I’ve never known someone to sacrifice themselves for fear. Though I have seen many people do it for love. My self-included. I wouldn’t normally stand in front of gun or a charging bear because I fear those things. But to protect some one that I love I would do it in a heartbeat. Is God power full. Yes of course. Is God magnificent. Yes, indeed he is. If I were to turn away from God and sin against him and curse his very name, then yes I would fear him. I would fear his wrath. I would fear his judgment. Most of all I would fear his absence. To say that I could love what I fear to me is not only paradoxical but it’s wrong. Even when I was a child I understood this. I never feared a beating from my mom because I knew I deserved it. Deep down when you know you deserve judgement and punishment for something that you’ve done wrong you don’t fear that person or thing that inflicts it upon you. You love them. Or at the very least you can be indifferent towards them. Neither love nor fear. So to me I will never say that I fear God. Because God loves me. Even now. Even still. After all the wrong that I have done and every sin I’ve ever committed. In full knowledge of my actions and the consequences there after. I could never say that I didn’t know what would happen. When I’ve done something wrong or sinned against God. Since God knows the abundance of my heart and knows that my heart is both filled with and motivated by love. How could I fear any judgment if I am deserving of it. Instead I will choose to love his grace and his mercy. To love his restraint. To love his forgiveness. Since God is my father then he should also be my teacher since we raise our young and teach them what is right and wrong. Then by the examples of my father’s love and mercy I shall also be that way. I shall love and never make myself a person to be feared. To me it’s like that old saying is it better to be feared or respected? I say neither for it is better to be loved and to show love in return.

Let me know how you feel about this in the comments sections. If any were to find fault in the things I say or would like to enlighten me via scripture I welcome such things. Go now and may God be with you and love you all the days of your life.

Why do women chose to be with bad men.

  

      It’s amazing growing up as a millennia man these days. Women of this generation seem to love to suffer. It’s crazy really. The whole notion of a bad boy lures them into thinking that being mistreated is what they truly deserve. In all honesty I'm quite over it. It sickens me. Over and over again they trap themselves with these men and complain that they are mistreated. Over and over again they call themselves strong and say that they are bosses and yet they get their feelings trampled on day in and day out. They become so accustomed to the mistreatment that when they actually meet a normal guy they act completely irrational. For instance, like asking him to marry them while having sex. This has happened to me twice so far. Only to be broken up with later on because they crave the torment that they use to receive at the hands of those bad guys. It truly confuses me. I'm a good looking guy. I'm not fat I work out and I have no need for a woman to do anything for me. It seems the more you have your life together the more susceptible you are to being mistreated. Women have broken up with me for all types of dumb reasons. In the end they end up being with the kind of guy that they claimed they loathed. Of course I get to revel in that later on but it’s still very sad to watch. One day perhaps I will find a normal kind woman. One who doesn't play games and isn't so “Stockholm “that they can actually recognize and appreciate me. Till then I watch these helpless angels have their wings plucked over and over again. Some learn eventually. Others will sadly repeat this cycle forever. Oh well. You can’t save every one now can you?

The Argument - A short cautionary tale

   

     I have not the time nor the patience to deal with you. Something tells me by the look on your face that you truly don't understand. Its ok, were I you this would seem out of place. In truth though I'm not you. This may not come as a shock to you, but I'm not who you think I am. The reason I become who you want me to be, is simple. Everything stems from power. The need to control. We all share the same basic desires. Power hungry we seek things that seem to give us control of another. Why would we need these things if we are happy? The truth is we are never happy. We are insatiable covetous beings. We seek everything we don't have. Everything we already poses is worthless by virtue of its acquisition. The chase is everything. Running after a lofty goal no matter how intangible is all that keeps us moving and motivated. Dreams are only worth the time if we aren't awake to poke holes in its reality. No one wants the things that they can easily obtain. The saying the grass grows greener on the other side perfectly summarizes this. In truth no one really wants to work for what they have. In the end they always put forth more work than they had intended. If your chasing something and running after a goal, then you are indeed expending energy. How do you obtain power without the use of power? The simple answer would be that it’s impossible. The truth however is vastly different. Don't use your own energy. Instead learn how to manipulate other people’s efforts for your own gain. The moral disposition of such a notion is indicative of dishonesty. This is only half true. Is it not more dishonest to not admit that we all deserve more than we have been dealt? We have to find the keys to the doors that were hidden to us long ago. All I suggest is that you search for the keys so that I may enter. When you are exhausted and weary, worry not. For I without having expended my energies shall carry you forward. Together we shall both reap the rewards… Or so the snake says.