I am on to you child...

               So I have been thinking a lot lately. About you me and about us. It seems to me that when you know I want you, that’s when you begin to pull away. However if the reverse is true and I pull away you come running back to me. Telling me that you love me and that you want to be with me. Funny how that works. It did not take me long to figure this out because it’s all too familiar for me. However I haven’t seen tactics like this since high school. That’s exactly what this all reminds me of. A juvenile relationship with no aim or goal. Just time spent for no better reason than to waste it. You perhaps don’t want me to see other people. Truthfully I can understand that notion. However what if I don’t want to see you anymore? What if I deem this stupid and pointless and try to move on from it? I am allowed that right am I not? For all this time we have been together, while you were chasing after your past. Trying to make amends for some misguided reasons. You failed to realize that I too have been pulling away. Soon I will be your past as well. Will you forget me then or cling to me just the same? The point is that you are far too damaged to ever understand what you really want. You cant settle down but you don’t want to be alone either. So you chose to waste my time instead. Meanwhile I have goals and dreams and aspirations that I will achieve with or without you in my life. Just remember how you treated me. The lonely nights the terrible days. How you gas lit me into believing that I was the bad guy. In truth now I am. At first I wasn’t. I’ve become what you made me to be. Thought you might want to know that. In this time even though I have squandered it with you. Just know that you have taught me a lot. These things that I have learned from you are going to make me a stronger and better person. So thank you for at least providing me with the opportunity to learn and grow as a human. One day I hope I can say the same about you. That you have learned and grown as a human. Sadly I wont be around to see it.

The End of Hope

        She screams at him for no reason again. He wonders why she is always so angry all the time. Lately it’s getting worse. She seems to be deteriorating faster than he had anticipated. Reluctantly he stays by her side. Insanity once again has hold of him. Though he knows things never get better still he stubbornly tries once again. Thinking somehow, he is special and somehow, he is different. Yet inside he already knows the truth. She cannot be saved. She will not be healed. Not by him at least. Hope fades as always and he accepts this fate. She is angry and always will be. It’s not his fault even as she says it’s his fault. He was honest and faithful. Loyal and caring. Still it’s never enough. You cannot expect the wounded to heal. Those cuts are too deep. They have been their too long to scab over. She picks at them often. Too often. All he can think is that this is another failure. Another sad attempt at happily ever after. She says it’s his fault that she feels this way. She says he is the cause of all his failed attempts with others. He almost believes her. He knows better though. She is angry and trying to hurt him. She knows how much he wants to be in love and happy. Every year that goes by makes him more desperate. Trying to find what isn’t there. Not for him. Everyone else gets to be happy and in love. Though he wishes for it, prays for it, and tries. He knows deep down he will never be happy again. He will never be in love again. He will never have that happy ending. He was stupid long ago. He had wronged an innocent woman. Now he is cursed for all eternity to repeat the same cycle. In this purgatory he will never be free. Insanity takes hold of him again. Keep trying to do it over and over again. His obsession will haunt him forever. She is angry again and now it’s over. The union is no more and he is alone again. She moves on quickly like all fires do. Burning everything around her as she always will. Even though she was new he has seen her before. They are all the same he thinks. Alone now he thinks I will learn this time. I will do it differently. Until along comes another fire. Then he will repeat the same cycle. She is angry again. Will he ever stop playing with fire? Who can say? As time goes on and days grow longer. Will he ever learn? 

The End Of Guilt

        Tit for Tat we play these games. No self awareness of what consequences await us. We play these games both faultless and without shame.What we’ve done to each other will leave scars. These things we do are not ok. Though I have tried to abstain from retaliating, my dark nature eventually won. Now in the chaos of uncertainties. We sit idle awaiting the final curtain call. Taking stage with mask fashioned from misunderstanding and guilt. Who is at fault when neither cares? What is love when its not unconditional? You and I were doing fine. So we both thought. Here now in this darkness how does it feel? To know that I could be just like you. Though I tried to warn you a million times. You never really listened to the things that I had to say did you? Your so intelligent. Smarter than what’s needed to interpret simplicity. As all these walls begin to fall down and all these items come to light, where do you feel we are now? Neither of us are in the right. Neither of us are the victim. We chose to play these games. We both lose. None survived. None the victor. Thank you for this new scar. These lessons always help me grow stronger. In time the dust will settle and we can circle back on each other’s faults. Only then will you realize that you wanted this. From the start you were the catalyst. You were the fuse. Your only fault was not realizing I was the match.

If I knew what you wanted...

So it has come down to a simple question. What do you want? Here I stand again with my heart in hands. Bleeding from the head from some trauma that I can not identify. You see up until I met you I was very lost and alone. At first I was fooled into thinking this could be easy. That I could make something great out of all this uncertainty. Was I wrong to have hoped I could be right this time? So now as I stand here trying not to give up. Doing all that I can to be what you need me to be. The simple question comes back to mind. What do you want? You say you do not know what you want. You say you want to be whole. That's not something that I can fix. All I can offer you is a partnership. Someone to hold and love while navigating the darkness of life. Someone to be there for you when everyone else has gone. Someone who cares. All I wanted to do was make you happy. But no good deed goes unpunished. So I again shoulder the blame and guilt. The pain is all mine to endure. Alone and steadfast. Foolish and broken. As I give these parts of my self again in search of the one who will finally understand what I am. The thought comes back to mind that again I am making another mistake. Another moment of sadness. So if you could just this once lady destiny. Please allow me to have that which I desire. The fullness of my heart. The hope that I dream of. The love of my life. Just one more moment of fleeting bliss before I finally say thank you and see my creators. The question that brought me here, the reason for my very being. Everything that I am and all that I could ever be rest now in your hands. Here I stand before you with my heart in my hands and wound in my head. Asking just one simple question that I hope you can answer. What do you want? If I know then I can help. I can fix it. I save us. I can find rest. Until then please allow me to live as must. Though if that means doing what must be done by way of removing you then let it be. We can be amazing if we just try. All else is silence.

The Empty Heart

        Was there really anything he could do. He would often stare at others and wonder how was it that they seemed to be happy. In a world full of complete and utter chaos. How could anyone find love? It was an impossible task he thought. That to think that everyone was somehow ignorant to all the pain and suffering around them. As if they walked in a cloud and nothing seemed to make sense to them. He would often have thoughts of being nothing at all. Perhaps that was the solution. That was the answer. Though every time he would think of any thing like this. He would simply remember that it was not the way to end things. Though he often felt alone and confused, He knew that time would eventually reveal his true destiny. Or so he had hoped. The biggest moments in his life were in the pursuit of hope. That four letter word that would bring him peace and finality. Somewhere in time existed a happier him he thought. Somewhere at some point there would be a better future for him. As he would often sit and think of all that could be he would try not to forget all that was. Life makes no mistakes and takes no chances he thought. His heart may have been ravaged by the disease of loneliness, but his mind stood ever sharp awaiting the true love to come. He would spend countless days watching patterns and looking for meaning in the abstract. Attempting to create connections from benign interactions. Every thought simply fixated on what could be. How he could start right now and never realize that he would be in the moment he had so long so after. Insanity is not unlike hope. The idea that he could find some thing different though the path chosen was always the same. He knew if he had found what he was finally looking for that the search would be over. That he could finally rest and be at peace with himself and all that was around him. Just one pure moment untainted by hurt to fill his empty heart. All he wanted was to be free and happy. To live life in these moments of purity. How can he find something that may never exist he often thought. If it were really out there wouldn't he have found it already? Wouldn't he have noticed the signs all around him telling him that he was always right? 

The Truth in my heart

                I have become a Christian again and there is something that I am really struggling with. You see I think that I have found the woman that I am supposed to marry. The woman that God has promised me so long ago. There unfortunately are several complications in the way of us being together. Many of these complications are pretty severe. Though I am a firm believer that love conquers all, there is a question of whether or not this love is right by Gods eyes. You see I really believe in my heart of hearts that this woman is my wife. My heart beats a billion times faster when I am around her and seems to stand still when she is gone. All I want is for her to be happy. In any way that may be. Even if it’s not with me. Though I feel we are supposed to be together. Nothing hurts more than not being sure and not knowing. Every day I draw closer to God and seek his will and counsel on this subject. My soul harkens unto his will and I try to live a sinless life according to his plan. Can love that comes from God ever truly be sin? Now I know that sounds like an easy answer. To think that perhaps I am just confused and that this love is not from God but only from my earthly heart and that it is wicked. Alas I assure you that it is not possible that this love be sin. For one thing God lives in me. My body is his temple and though I sin against my temple from time to time this love could not be born of sin. There is no way that the one who is love that lives inside of me could want me to sin against him. That would be a form of spiritual suicide. Nothing in my heart is imperfect. My love is not imperfect. Yet God is a God of order and not confusion. This is the fundamental truth that lies in the matter of honesty. Could this love be sin? No. It’s not I that am truly confused. My heart knows what it wants and I have asked God many times that if this love be sin to take it from me. Though he has yet to do so. Its real and it’s from God that I love. One day hopefully all of this will fall in line according to his plan. Until that time I have to remain ever his servant and ever obedient by his command and by his word.

Should We Love or Fear God?

Hello it’s been a long time since I’ve cracked open my lap top to write anything. Since I’ve last written I have once again delve back into a Christian life style. The details on why I’ve become a Christian again I shall leave for a later time. Having once again picked up my bible to start studying the word of god, an inherent detail has begun to resurface in my mind. A long standing question that I’ve often asked my self is do I love God or fear him? To me love and fear are two very different and distinctly polar opposite emotions. You can fear losing something you love. But you truly can’t love something that you fear. Fear feeds hate and self-preservation. Whereas love feeds compassion, understanding, and self-sacrifice. I’ve never known someone to sacrifice themselves for fear. Though I have seen many people do it for love. My self-included. I wouldn’t normally stand in front of gun or a charging bear because I fear those things. But to protect some one that I love I would do it in a heartbeat. Is God power full. Yes of course. Is God magnificent. Yes, indeed he is. If I were to turn away from God and sin against him and curse his very name, then yes I would fear him. I would fear his wrath. I would fear his judgment. Most of all I would fear his absence. To say that I could love what I fear to me is not only paradoxical but it’s wrong. Even when I was a child I understood this. I never feared a beating from my mom because I knew I deserved it. Deep down when you know you deserve judgement and punishment for something that you’ve done wrong you don’t fear that person or thing that inflicts it upon you. You love them. Or at the very least you can be indifferent towards them. Neither love nor fear. So to me I will never say that I fear God. Because God loves me. Even now. Even still. After all the wrong that I have done and every sin I’ve ever committed. In full knowledge of my actions and the consequences there after. I could never say that I didn’t know what would happen. When I’ve done something wrong or sinned against God. Since God knows the abundance of my heart and knows that my heart is both filled with and motivated by love. How could I fear any judgment if I am deserving of it. Instead I will choose to love his grace and his mercy. To love his restraint. To love his forgiveness. Since God is my father then he should also be my teacher since we raise our young and teach them what is right and wrong. Then by the examples of my father’s love and mercy I shall also be that way. I shall love and never make myself a person to be feared. To me it’s like that old saying is it better to be feared or respected? I say neither for it is better to be loved and to show love in return.

Let me know how you feel about this in the comments sections. If any were to find fault in the things I say or would like to enlighten me via scripture I welcome such things. Go now and may God be with you and love you all the days of your life.